Thinking again

I haven't had much of a chance to just sit down and start typing in a while. I haven't had something specifically that I've wanted to talk about either. Right now, I'm just letting my mind wander and letting my fingers do the work. If my fingers were a little faster, I guess you would have substantially more to read on this page.

Something that struck me just a few days ago was in a class that I had on the New Testament. I want to preclude this with the fact that I think my professor in that class is amazing. All too often, teachers feel that they must stick to the curriculum that they've laid out and are terrified of deviating lectures from anything besides the material that they've planned. This professor is just the opposite. He comes in with a small handful of things that he wants to get across, but instead of dictating the course of the lecture, he merely directs it. He is more than willing to just step aside and let the students discuss what they think something means.

Last week in class we were studying somewhere in John or Matthew, I'm no longer sure which, but as is par for the course, we deviated onto something else. That's when a very different feeling entered the room. This professor is a bit of a prankster and definitely mischievous, but he quickly recognizes moments where it isn't appropriate and acts accordingly. We were talking about forgiveness, and someone had brought up a personal experience that led to them forgiving a friend for something, and asked something along the lines of why it is difficult for some people to forgive others.

My professor paused, and you could tell that he was seriously debating whether or not to share something. And he started his story with something like this. I'll paraphrase as I don't have an ideal eidetic memory. He said, "Let me tell you what my biggest challenge with the Gospel is now."

I want to clarify something here. This man has served in several callings throughout the church. He served a mission in... I believe Japan, but I'm not sure. He has been a bishop at BYU and had several other positions of leadership within the church. So when he said that, his normally jocular attitude disappeared.

He said, "One of the things that I am struggling most with is learning to believe that the Atonement applies to everyone. That God really does love everyone."

He told us about his daughter, who had happily married the man of her dreams. This man was, seemingly, perfect for her. He had served a mission, had a strong testimony and was getting a good education. They had been married for a few years with a daughter and had a son on the way.

He told us that everything about them seemed wonderful.

Then one day, his son-in-law came home from work, looked at his wife and told her flatly, "I'm done. I don't want to be married to you. I don't want to be a part of the church. I don't want to live here. I don't want to have kids. I don't want to see you again. Tell the kids that I'm dead, because they'll never see me again." Grabbed a few things and left without another word. A few weeks later, his son was born.

I'm not sure how long ago this happened, but it must have been recently based on the pain you could see in my professor.

At this point, he paused. He wasn't looking at the class. He slowly raised his head.

He continued to talk about his daughter. He said that he has never met anyone as strong as she is. She has handled this better than he could have imagined. Although she is hurt, she has been a great example for him and loves her children dearly and is doing all that she can for them.

He doesn't understand why this man did this, or what could have led him to this decision. He hasn't seen him since. He admitted that there have been times where he wished that he could bring physical harm to this boy. To take revenge for the pain that this boy has caused his daughter. I noticed that not once did he say that he hated this boy or even disliked him. I could tell from his demeanor that he had loved the boy and had been glad that his daughter had chosen him.

He transitioned from this back to God's love for all of His children. He testified that he knew God loved him as well as this man. He talked about how he didn't know why God had let His daughter marry this man, but he mentioned that he believes that God gives all of us our best chance for happiness, where we are most likely to make the best choices we can. He said, "Maybe he needed a woman as strong as my daughter to have that chance to choose to be happy."

Now, I started writing this yesterday but didn't have time to finish, so I'm just getting back to it. I'm sorry if my thoughts don't seem as organized, but that will just have to be how it is.

When he finished this story, I could feel the empathy pouring out from his students. Not one of the students in my class, myself included, have breached the age of 30, and none of us have daughters who have been left by their husbands, but love transcends experience. I also imagine that many of the people that were there had at least been close to someone who had been hurt in the same manner.

I have.

He finished the story just as the class was ending, and we left with a much more somber attitude than usual. I kept reflecting on his story and just why he had shared it, as well as my own experiences. I know that my life has not been one of extreme difficulty relative to those who truly suffer, but I would not ever say that it has been easy either.

I have watched friends descend into madness. And when I say madness, I don't necessarily mean so in a psycho-pathological sense. Rather I mean so in watching them fall from standards that they had set for themselves and others. I saw some who openly scorn activities that they saw those close to them perform fall into the same practices. Some examples include drinking to excess, sexual promiscuity, actively attacking what others believe, and others that I won't continue to list here.

I have seen some who have done the opposite. Rising above the activities that shamed them and escaping. The trail is often arduous, but of those that I have seen that were able to conquer these vices I have watched as their misery became joy and their shame faded. These people amaze me.

I'll admit that I've had a lot of trouble forgiving people, and not just those that have directly attacked me, but those that have influenced my friends to choose poorly. I feel like I've actually had more trouble with the latter. But the chance to listen to my professor the other day really helped me. As I heard him talk about how difficult this was for his daughter and for himself, and to see the real effort that he's been putting into letting go of what this son of God did to his daughter, it has helped me let go of what others have done to my friends.

Admittedly, this has not been easy for me. I have been dedicating more of my prayers to letting go of things that I know I had no control over and no influence on, but that have still affected me. I tried indifference at first, but I was incapable of that. I tried to just ignore it, but I could not. I got angry, and that did nothing but to agitate the situation. I tried joking about it, but that felt hollow. I've found that the only way I've been able to deal with this is through real forgiveness. I know I'm not done, as at this moment the wrong thought can still bring a spike to my pulse and blood into my arms, but I am progressing.

I am striving to understand that God loves those people who have hurt me, and that he understands where they are coming from and why they did what they did. Not gonna lie though. odds are that I'll never like these people. I'm still at the point where I wish that I could just punch them hard enough to wipe out their influence, as nonsensical as that may sound.

I wish that I could say that that last sentence was not true, but I will not lie about this. Forgiveness is powerful, but strenuous and I am reaching for it as quickly as I can. I am seeking to understand that the Atonement can reach these people and that someday they'll stand before the judgment bar and know just as everyone else will know that Jesus is the Christ. This is hard for me to imagine as it is so distant, but when I try to make it salient and real now, it has made it easier for me to deal with people here and now.

In the end, I'm not sure why I decided to write this post at all, and I'm not even sure if I'm glad that I did. But here it is, and now it's yours.