Prayer and Vulnerability

(I actually wrote this about 3 weeks ago and was debating on whether or not I wanted to post it. Enjoy.)

So, I haven't just sat down and written a note that was purely my thoughts in a long time. And some of the things that I did and talked about this weekend really struck a chord with some of the other things that I've been thinking about.

Now, I don't usually talk about religion in these things. And if you don't like it, that's fine. I'm not trying to preach to you or anyone. Really, this is just another way for me to try and better understand what's going on in my head. If you don't want to hear about religion, that's fine. Just realize that this is a chance to peak into just what goes on in my head.

Sunday in Elder's quorum we talked a lot about prayer.

We covered a lot of the basics. All of the "who, what, why, how, when, and where" questions. Why do we pray? Who do we pray to? What do we pray about? How do we pray? When do we pray? Where do we pray? I call them the basics, but I do realize that not everyone agrees on the answers or necessarily knows how to answer them at all. They're all great things to discuss and learn about but that's not what I want to address right now. And as is par for the course, my mind started to wander.

I'm going to switch gears right now. Stick with me.

I'm studying psychology. I know you're not surprised that I'm bringing this up, but it fits very well. You'll see why by the end.

Now, one of the major themes and topics of discussion in psychology is the formation of relationships. There are thousands of books that address this topic and thousands of studies that attempt to understand it.

I just want to mention a few and show you how they tie in. The first one that I want to talk about had to do with eye contact or "soulgazing." I know a few of you are at least somewhat familiar with it. The setup was very simple. Participants were randomly assigned to look directly into each other's eyes for two minutes and then report on what they felt. Most of the participants reported a significant increase in physical attraction, closeness, likeability, and, most surprisingly, love.

(For more on eye contact, I recommend the book The Power of Eye Contact by Michael Ellsberg.)

This may not seem to have anything to do with what I was talking about earlier, but just wait for it. I'll explain everything best as I can.

One of the theories about just why this happens is that it involves mutual vulnerability. Normally, when people catch each other staring, they glance away. Why? Because direct eye contact with a stranger is a threat. Very confrontational and very uncomfortable. Gazing is only done with permission which is not necessarily expressed in words. If someone tries to gaze into another's eyes without permission, it can be disastrous. In this experiment, everyone gave the other person permission. Artificial, yes, but sometimes that's all it takes.

This kind of vulnerability is absolutely essential to developing close relationships. But gazing into someone's eyes is not the only way that we can express this vulnerability. I'm not going to delve too deeply into Social Penetration theory, but I want you to know a few of the main concepts behind it.

Now to get the Shrek reference out of the way. People, and not just ogres, have layers when it comes to personality. Think of it like an onion. This is one of the aspects of Social Penetration theory.

Here are the 4 basic layers going from the outer to inner layers:

Surface: this is pretty much what you can see. Things such as height, sex, race, and age.

Peripheral: this is small talk. Name, what they're studying, hometown, general interests, etc.

Intermediate: this is personal information. Not secret, just not shared with everyone.

Central: this is information that is told with great caution and is private. People usually have to earn this.

Clearly, the most powerful relationships are the ones where the Central layer is exposed in both parties. The most superficial are literally those that don't even penetrate the Surface.

That's a very simplified version of what's going on in Social Penetration theory. Here's one other thing that you should know. We, literally, crave relationships where we share our Central layers. Why? In part, this is because to develop real love, we have to expose these parts of ourselves. We've all heard quotes like this one:

"A friend is someone who knows all about you but loves you anyway."

A real feeling of love comes when we expose these layers. Somtimes this takes a considerable amount of time, sometimes it doesn't.

Many people create artificial relationships where they expose their Central layer. These can be relationships with things such as a diary, or even with a favorite pet. These relationships are beneficial, but not necessarily fulfilling because as much as you may want it to, a diary will never have a Central layer to share back with you.

The Central layer can contain pretty much anything. For some people, it may be that their real age is part of their Central layer while others keep a troubled past hidden away. The need to share the Central layer is powerful and can even lead murderer's to unforced confessions. Crime and Punishment is a great example of a murderer who feels this need pressing on him until he finally confesses.

Now that I've digressed from my original topic, I want to get back to it. I know I said that different people have different beliefs about what prayer is and all that, but I'm going to stick to what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believe for a few reasons. One is that I understand it best and my knowledge of what other religions believe about prayer is limited. The other reason is that it's right.

The most oft-repeated commandment in the scriptures is to pray. Part of why is that prayer is all about developing a personal relationship with God. Joseph Smith said that it is essential that we come to know the character of God. And that's more than just understanding that He is perfect.

God is an emotional being, just as clearly as we are. There's evidence of this over and over throughout the scriptures. He weeps. He rejoices. He loves.

I want to be clear now. What I'm about to write is not doctrine, but just my opinion. Please take it as such. This is just something that makes sense to me and helps me to better understand. If it doesn't help you, then ignore it.

Like I said earlier, part of why we pray is to build a relationship with God. Just how deep this relationship is entirely in our hands. I understand why some people come about this awkwardly and stumble along the way. Speaking to someone that you can't see is awkward enough on its own. Why do you think I hate talking on the phone? But, I feel, if anything, this helps to eliminate the need for that Surface layer already and we can start really getting to know who God is.

I've had those prayers where I was either in a hurry or too tired and it was just something that I rattled off because I knew that I needed to say a prayer. It was almost like sending God a text message. "Hey, sorry, I got in late and can't really talk, but I still thought of you!" Y'know, that kind of thing. It's my opinion that God's not a big fan of this texting. You could call this the Peripheral layer.

I've also had prayers where there was something that I had been thinking about and it came up in a prayer or two, but it was really just me thinking again. Sometimes it was personal and sometimes it wasn't. Usually it was just something that happened that day and I was still thinking about it. This would probably be like the Intermediate layer.

Personal prayers can be very powerful, especially as we develop a relationship with God. I think the hardest part of keeping prayers sincere and personal though is getting rid of those defenses that we have around our Central layer. This is a lot harder than it sounds for most people. I know that it's hard for me. I don't like to talk about myself much in the first place.

But I have found that those prayers that I really remember, the ones where I really felt like He was listening to me and that He was answering, were different. Not because I suddenly believed more or because I was speaking more eloquently. But during those prayers, I was who I really am. I wasn't necessarily tired, hurt, scared, lonely, or one of several other things, though sometimes I was. What most of those prayers really came down to was me stopping and saying, "Heavenly Father, I really need you."

These prayers weren't necessarily any longer than any of my other prayers, but they were more heartfelt. A lot of the times that I had those prayers I didn't say much at all, but just sat in silence.

I was talking about mutual vulnerability earlier. One other thing that I've noticed during those prayers, is that I've never felt closer to God or felt like I understood Him better than in those moments. I can only describe what I felt, and I'm not the best wordsmith out there. But it seemed like the more I let God get to know me, the more He let me get to know Him.

I don't really know how to end this note. This isn't all that I thought about during that lesson or afterwards, but it did cover a lot of the main points.

The only thing that would really make sense to do at this point is to bear my testimony. I don't claim to know a lot about prayer or the Gospel. I'm still learning, and I know that I have a long way to go. But there are a few things that I do know. I know that prayer works. I've seen it change people. I know that God lives and answers prayers, because He's answered mine. I know that real, sincere prayer is powerful. My testimony has always been simple and short. But what I really love about this church, is that my testimony is mine. Having it is a gift. My testimony has been built slowly, through prayer and more.

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable." - Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Real History

Right now, I honestly have no idea what's going to come out of this post. I'm just awake and can't sleep and I've had an average day that was preceded by a few more average days. But as usual, I've had some not so average thoughts.

There's been a lot on my mind. I started reading The Lucifer Effect by Philip Zimbardo just this past week and it's been very interesting. For those of you (if there are any of you) who aren't familiar with this book, in short, it's about the Stanford Prison Experiment. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Stanford Prison Experiment, I'll give you a short recap.

Dr. Zimbardo planned to simulate a "mock" prison, in which paid volunteers would be randomly selected to either be guards or prisoners. It was originally scheduled to last for two weeks. The study started on Sunday and was terminated early that Friday morning due to... well, a lot of crap that happened. I won't go into details here. But many of the prisoners had emotional breakdowns due to stress. I'll stop there and let you go buy the book.

I don't really know why I brought that up. This study has been used for a lot of things though. Such as the power of immersive role-playing, motivation, authority (real or imagined), fear, rebellion, group dynamics, and the influence of the System.

When I was originally introduced to this study in high school it was casually mentioned as an important study that contributed to the creation of ethics boards in psychology and much more. But due to the amount of material that we were covering it was merely mentioned.

Reading this book though has brought life to this study. I was amazed at some of the reactions of the prisoners, such as 416 and 2093, to the guards. They weren't just people that had been chosen for a study anymore, but instead they became real. They had real emotions. Real pain. Real anger. Real fear.

The changes in the guards were just as incredible. Some became "heartless" while others were the "good" guys. But this study had just as much of a changing effect on the principal researcher, Dr. Zimbardo, who became the prison superintendent and fell just as deeply into his role as anyone else that was involved in the study.

I guess part of what I realized by reading this book (which I haven't finished yet, but will soon) is that EVERY moment in history has real people in it. Even the things that are only mentioned in passing had real impacts on real people.

There are always the grossly tragic events that people easily remember. The events of 9-11 or Pearl Harbor, or the Cambodian Holocaust. Each of these are singular events in wars. I started to think about the individual battles instead of the war as a whole. For instance, the American Civil War, one of the best known battles is the Battle of Shiloh where about 3,500 soldiers were killed.

But there was also the Battle of Carnifex Ferry where perhaps 20 soldiers were killed.

History always reports the larger numbers. There are several reasons as to why, but I'll only mention a few of them and move on. Media needs a bigger story and bigger numbers mean a bigger story. People love to hear about tragedy. Propaganda. And many more.

But after reading what I have, I realize just how real those 20 people were. They were probably brothers, or fathers, and most definitely sons. They probably had dreams. Maybe they wanted to be there, maybe they were terrified of what was about to happen. That's all just speculation. But to the families of these 20 soldiers, that number meant a lot more than 3,500. And that 20 didn't mean as much to them as that 1. That 1 that meant so much to them.

I only now am beginning to realize that even the smallest event recorded in history had someone real there. Someone who had family and friends, felt pain, love, loss, and thought about things other than that one day they were at something that would be mentioned loosely in high school history classes later on.

Like I said, I didn't know what was going to come out of my fingers tonight. I had very different things on my mind when I sat down to write this, but I'm glad that I've said what I have. Take it as you will.

Why I hate James Blunt.

So, I recognize how rarely I post anything on here anymore. And part of that is because I'm just too busy to bother keeping up with this kind of electronic journal, and the other part is because I'm naturally a private person. I'm not one to wear my emotions on my shirtsleeves by any means. I didn't even tell my roommates that it was my birthday yesterday. Hopefully that gives you some idea of how talkative I am.

However, don't be misled. I am not shy. I just don't like being the center of attention. I can take the lead of a group without any problems, or I can sit back and watch someone else make decisions that need to be made. I'll be the one to step in if they're about to put their foot in their mouth, but I'd usually rather listen, observe, and comment.

Why am I writing today? The short answer is that I have bronchitis and am bored out of my mind trapped in my apartment. The long answer is why I'm writing at all today.

I realize that when I write these kinds of things, I come off as an objective observer and not really a participant. It's not that I don't care about what I'm writing. It's that I really care, and sometimes it's painful to write from an emotional standpoint, so I distance myself and just let my fingers go.

And yes, I realize that I use big words sometimes. Don't confuse this with arrogance. I'm not arrogant. I just know a lot of words and sometimes big words fit better than others. I'm not one to intentionally throw in a big word just so that I sound smart. Honestly, I think that's stupid when people do that. All that I do is write.

What's really been occupying my mind recently is music. I posted something a little while ago on facebook about how I was amazed that one person can ruin a song so quickly. A few people commented on it, but they took what I had said and threw on a completely different interpretation.

They mentioned Miley Cyrus.

I wasn't actually talking about artists, or covers of different songs, but about people in our own lives. I think it's incredible how quickly someone's memory can be tied to a song. I'll take an example from one of my favorite movies.

500 Days of Summer.

This is a great story about just what happens to a guy when he gets dumped by a girl. Earlier in the movie, our hero, Tom, is describing things that he likes about the girl of his dreams, Summer. Then in the background an old song by Patrick Swayze, She's Like the Wind, starts playing. Tom says, "I love how I hear this song, and every time, I think of her."

Poor Tom.

Later, Tom and Summer's relationship has come to a cataclysmic end and Tom is reliving some of what were once happy memories, when in the background an old song by Patrick Swayze starts playing.

Tom screams, "I HATE THIS SONG!" And is then thrown off of the bus he is riding.

Now, I think that's a great example. The reason I sat down and started writing this is essentially that this weekend I added a few songs to my list of songs that I hate. These are not bad songs. Actually, most of them are great and I used to love them. But now, it literally hurts to listen to them.

Some of these songs are random. Some are not. Some are love songs. Some are not. Some are happy. Some are not. Some I listened to with these people far too often. Some they've never heard before. Some I heard alone, and there's just one little line in it that fits that person so well that I always associate them with that song. Some have nothing to do with these people at all. Some I skip as soon as they start. Some I don't ever skip.

Some people have had so much influence in my life that they have tainted not only songs, but the artists that wrote them.

I hate James Blunt. I can't stand Death Cab for Cutie.

I could go on about musicophilia and other theories, but I'd rather not. Why? Because Friends o' Mine by Bowling for Soup just came on.

Now, I'm curious about what songs you can't stand.