Just thinking

So, I'm just sitting here, not wanting to study anymore. And thought that I would start penning my thoughts again. I'm really just tired, but insomnia is as much a curse as it is not a blessing in disguise.

And I've been thinking more and more about how attraction works between people. Earlier today, a few of my friends and I were discussing how attraction can be compared to a light switch. Now, in most people this can be compared to one of those older "dimmer" switches. You know the ones. They're round, and the more you turn them to the right, the brighter the room becomes. But in order to turn it on or off in the first place, you have to push it in. Clearly, degrees of attraction differ strongly based on numerous factors. Physical, mental, emotional, and so on. Every person creates a different attraction for everyone else.

But no matter how bright, or dim though, there is always the capability of being completely shut off, in a mere instant. No matter how bright this dimmer switch gets turned up, all you have to do is push it in just a little too hard, and the light goes out completely and instantly. Known colloquially as "dealbreakers." Again, these range and vary from person to person. For some, this can be smoking, or liking baseball. Which are more common dealbreakers (well, obviously not the baseball thing. but it probably should be), but they can also be considerably subtler. Things such as; disinterest regarding the situation of a stranger, fear of various things (i.e. commitment, heights, intimacy in public), incessant yawning, a bad laugh, smile, or even if it just feels like they rub you wrong way.

So, we all know about these "dealbreakers." Many of us recognize the ones that set us off. But the kicker lies in trying to find someone that A) doesn't set off any of your dealbreakers while B) not setting off any of theirs.

Tricky is far too gentle of a word for this.

And just because something is a dealbreaker for you, does not mean that you don't do any of the things that you can't stand in someone else. Many people that smoke refuse to date those who do. Hypocritical, yes. But this happens and there is little to be said or done regarding this. People will be as crazy tomorrow as they are today.

But this makes it all the more difficult. Because now, we are looking for someone better than ourselves. Clearly this isn't fair to ask others to be. Relationships are most sturdily founded upon equally yoked shoulders, and this can't be possible if we're looking for someone to carry us.

I remember some time ago I read a quote by Neil Gaiman, which I took and made my own by editing it and expounding. It comes off as very sarcastic, and strikingly bitter. But I still like it:

Have you ever been in love? Have you ever been in love? Terrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. They can pull apart everything that you thought that you were. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, you're invincible, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. Most the time you don't even realize that you have, until it's too late. They didn't ask for it but they took it even if they don't know that they have. They did something one day, like smile at you, or laughed at one of your jokes and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out from as deep as you go and leaves you staring in the darkness. You sit and wonder if they're thinking about you. You even write poetry about them, even though you can't find a way to rhyme their name with anything. You wonder if they feel the same way about you. But what's worse is when you wonder if they don't. You wonder what you should do, or if you're doing something wrong, or if you're going to scare them away. But you worry more about whether or not you'll be able to see them tomorrow. And what will happen if you don't? Will they stop feeling for you like they did before, or at least you thought they did? Will they find someone else? You can't even sleep those nights when you're most afraid that you've lost them. A simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-in-you-rips-you-apart-and-leaves-you-broken pain. You can feel it burning the deepest places in you. It leaves some of the ugliest scars that anyone can ever have. You can look at the scars and wonder why you were ever stupid enough to let someone get to you like that, and promise yourself, that you'll never do this again. But then another person comes into your life and it happens all over again. But for all the trouble and pain and sorrow and worry and confusion, and utter misery that it can cause you:

It's worth it. Crazy world, huh?

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not particularly bitter at this moment. Though I will admit to some level of frustration.

I personally believe that one of the worst ways that someone can express disinterest is the "fade-out." Slowly fading away from someone's romantic approaches is infinitely annoying. If you need the ego boost of someone pursuing you, then get on a dating site and take a nice picture of yourself. Wait two days and you'll have a bunch of "hits, winks, flirts" or whatever it is the site chooses to call them. Don't waste someone else's time by giving them six different sets of signals that just leaves them on the other end of the phone staring at it. Just man up and say "I'm not interested" or whatever it is that you're feeling. Don't expect someone to read your mind. Be clear, be direct, or don't bother.

Alright, fine, I'll admit. That was a bitter way to end this. You caught me. Why? I'm still trying to figure that out. Which is more than half of why I'm bitter.